Belief-O-Matic 

Put your faith in the Internet

My apathetically Catholic dad and blasé Jewish mom didn't place a priority on organized religion as I grew up, and the more world I'm exposed to, the more that blind faith in unseen deities seems like a crutch and/or pretext. But what if I'm wrong? I don't want to find out the hard way after I get mowed down during my upcoming crime spree and find myself languishing in Hell with Genghis Khan and Ronald Reagan. According to me, the Jewish bloodline that should have been passed on through my mother got canceled out by my baptism into the Catholic faith, so I'm spiritually up for grabs. Maybe you're in need of some guidance as well. Thank God (or Allah, Buddha, trees, L. Ron Hubbard, etc.) for Belief-O-Matic.

It's smart policy to consult the Internet before doing anything rash like worshipping something, so visit www.beliefnet.com, and click the link for Belief-O-Matic. You'll be transported to 20 multiple-choice questions that will cause you to look inward at your principles and take virtual stances on topics like monotheism, the afterlife, gender equality, and prayer. After carefully assessing your responses, Belief-O-Matic will then rank your compatibility with 27 major religions. There is, of course, a disclaimer in which Belief-O-Matic "assumes no legal liability for the ultimate fate of your soul," but any decent lawyer should be able to find a loophole if St. Peter tries to clothesline you.

According to the results of my encounter with the Belief-O-Matic, I ought to be frolicking with Liberal Quakers (but probably not Jehovah's Witnesses or Roman Catholics). Like most people, however, the only information I have about Quakers I've gleaned from cardboard canisters. But I often dress achromatically, I look pretty good in hats, and I enjoy oatmeal, especially in cookie form. And any religion malleable enough to slap the word "liberal" in front of it sounds mighty convenient.